


where is the love i used to know, where did the sunshine go

by JanElleKyun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Gen, Possible violence, angsty hurt/comfort minhyuk-centered, emotional rollercoaster of angst, no specific ship made obvious but various hints, warning: references to depression, with speckles of fluff and skinship in between
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:18:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanElleKyun/pseuds/JanElleKyun
Summary: when minhyuk isn't himself, their collective balance falters





	where is the love i used to know, where did the sunshine go

**"i completely fell for you, i can't help but to get greedy,"**

spills into hyunwoo's mic as he glides effortlessly to the thunderous and captivating beat of stuck, the sweat from his chest making the black t-shirt beneath his maroon jacket cling to it. when he glances to his right and expects to find the common sight of his group in synchrony,

he see's minhyuk clutching at his right knee for the first time in eleven months. his face is bearing all but the pain he tries to hide at ease, his black locks unforgiving as they fall into his eyes when he strains to adjust his body in time, struggles to adapt against the burning throb

traveling with relentless ferocity throughout his troubled lower limb, seeming to swathe him entirely in panic. just when the strenuous dance break nears, their concerned leader signals for minhyuk to simply stand in the back so they can quickly rearrange the placement of everyone

while he catches a breath to cope with how much it fucking hurts. one of the last things hyunwoo sees before they launch into the break is hyungwon reaching over to gently clamp a reassuring hand on the other boy's shoulder which is slightly slumped, one hand still above his knee.

**"i'm so sorry, hyung"**

he keeps saying in the backstage lounge, once when he's on hyunwoo's back as the oldest carries him to a medical examiner on staff and again when hoseok is kneeling beside him, holding his hand firmly as a pair of gloved hands tap the area around his knee with a reflex hammer,

the fabric of his pants rolled up so they can test the swollen flesh. he winces when the metal comes into contact with his skin, the expressionless inquiry into his pain level answered without a moment to spare before the physician is a few feet away delivering the information

to manager-nim, who keeps glancing over at him and making his insides feel like unsalvageable goop. he leans his head back against the cool wall supporting him and closes his eyes tightly, refusing to allow the onslaught of moisture pooling in them to escape. he feels hoseok

squeeze his hand and focuses on the sound of jooheon rapping his knuckles absentmindedly against the surface of a dress table some where in the distance, the rhythm on the wood lulling him into blurry polaroids of his dad's pengi spinning across the cement outside when he

and his little brother found joy in absorbing themselves in the games of his youth. but just thinking about his life before he even knew it would belong to a world full of yet more mistakes to make, more people to disappoint, more opportunities to fail as he slaves day and night over

filling the blind perception of himself he tries so desperately to project only makes him want to keep his eyes closed until he can breathe without suffocating under the weight of expectations sitting on his shoulders, waiting for the slip when he tries to fulfill them.

but still he tries.

**"that's not in his vocabulary,"**

kihyun quips, a deadpan expression on his face when they're gathered together on stools for a variety show and minhyuk receives a question from monbebe about personal space. everyone including he himself and the mc chuckle at this, but the pouty reply that climbs up his throat

never makes it out of his mouth, so instead he expresses himself the best way he knows how and leans over to wrap an arm around the main vocal's neck and bring him closer to him as if to smooch him on the cheek, which ultimately causes everyone to descend into even more

laughter when the boy younger by a mere 19 days jumps up from his seat and acts as if to deliver one of his revered finger flicks as his only defense.

**. . .**

everything feels normal until manager-nim drives him to the local medical facility following the show to have his leg examined again and the physician tells him if he keeps pushing himself past the maximum limit his body tolerates, the spontaneous throbbing within his right knee

could lead to his entire lower limb possessing a higher chance of developing complete paralysis.

it would have been enough to bring him to both knees if he hadn’t been strictly advised to refrain from putting any heavy amount of weight on either one. and of course, after being scolded by manager-nim for overexerting himself during rehearsals and failing to tell him of the pain

he kept experiencing, once the other members are well aware of his medical status it's kihyun who "tsks" as though he's a naughty child and retorts,

"no shit. if he keeps putting pressure on something surgically repaired less than a year ago, it's never going to fully heal," shaking his head,

at which hyungwon curtly tosses out, gritting his teeth,

"i think the point was that the choreo obviously puts too much strain on him, so we should've modified it after his physical therapy sessions."

**"hyung, it's okay. don't be sad please,"**

changkyun pleads, standing timidly at the doorway of their bedroom with the upmost concern etched on his face at the curled up figure in the lower bunk as though the last thing he expects to encounter after following minhyuk from the kitchen is to see his shoulders heaving as he

sobs uncontrollably into his pillow, having stormed away from the conversation when he couldn't shoulder the weight of their disappointment any longer. and no more than a moment passes before he feels the weight of their youngest sitting down next to him, a soft hand beginning to

caress his dark hair before trailing down past his neck at an appeasing speed to trace soothing circles with tender fingers into his back as he implores "please don't be sad hyung, please." his hand shifts vertically, up and down, "i've always wanted to see a solar eclipse but not like this."

the older boy is shaking his head vigorously above the pillow his face is buried in. "changkyun, just go! leave hyung alone," he cries, his voice almost humorously muffled. "i deserve to be," he adds before pulling himself into a smaller ball and dragging the blankets over his entire form

in the process. almost instantly he feels the weight on the mattress shift again, his blankets lifting for a few seconds until he's engulfed by the body heat radiating from their youngest. his back still turned to him, he begins to feel shapes being traced between his shoulder blades

with the very tips of the maknae's fingers as the deep voice whispers,

"i know what it's like to truly be alone and I would never wish for you to experience even a fraction of it."

his heart splinters at changkyun having to remind him of the earlier days within the dorms after their survival competition concluded and his incessant need to serve the rapper everything between cold shoulders and unpleasant looks throughout their afternoon's worth of

schedules, always avoiding him when it was possible and turning a blind eye to the sight of him lingering in the background with that pitiful look of longing on his face when they had slivers of time amidst the preparations for their debut album to properly interact with each other in

gatherings that hardly ever included him unless hyunwoo-hyung prompted for it. though those times were far behind them, he thinks about how isolated changkyun must've felt when he'd exerted so much effort into earning their approval. just wanting to receive their love and respect

in spite of the instant rejection. "you think you deserve to be left in here to suffer and you deserve better, hyung," the youngest mumbles, the faintest but most hesitant brush of his lips on his lower neck making minhyuk stiffen in surprise. he never knew such a sweet and gentle gesture

could cause him to disintegrate into the living and breathing form of a puddle but there he is, turning around and clinging onto the maknae to weep into his warm sweater without any restraint, an arm wrapping snugly around his back as a careful hand resumes their task

of tracing delicate patterns into the fabric against his skin. "how can you say that, when deep down I harbored so much envy for you," he thinks, the words cemented in his throat as though slathered with a generous helping of adherent glue. "when you came into the competition

"i thought it was fixed for you, even though it wasn't my position you were threatening but the ones of my friends. i wanted to punch you because you were good-looking and rapped so well and was as young as yoonho who had to sit time and time again for the last six years

"watching his friends debut before him. i wanted to yell at you because jooheon's dream of performing on stage with his best friend was squandered when they called your name instead of gunhee's. i wanted to scream and throw my jacket when they called your name before mine

"when i had tried so hard, changkyun. i tried so hard to make it and i still ended up barely slipping through the door. i hated you for walking in and grabbing a seat that was clawed at for months and i keep thinking and wondering and mulling around in my head over and over every time

"i close my eyes what i could've done better. i think what would've happened if they wanted three rappers instead of two. if they thought seokwon was a better fit. if they'd chose to keep minkyun instead of me after the third debut mission. i think about it every day.

"and i see it's selfish to put myself next to them and compare what could have been instead of appreciating what is but i can't help it. and then i see you needing surgery for your ankle and recovering from it and not showing any issues since but here i am,

"slipping on stage as my body breaks down again within the same year and i just think, if my leg is paralyzed, my dream is over and all i am is a pretty face in a distant memory.”

**"ya come over here and see this,"**

hoseok beacons to him when they're sitting in a back room preparing for a radio show appearance. his hyung is fixed on a small leather sofa, his blue tipped blonde locks almost in his eyes as he looks down at the ipad in his hands bearing a small scowl on his lips,

"monbebe noticed something was off with your knee again," he simply says when the younger boy approaches, handing him the device. when minhyuk peers down, he sees a paused youtube video with the title 'monsta x minhyuk is hurt? :(', making his heart sink

that there's an entire compilation of him screwing up bits and pieces of their performances the other night with his stupid leg. not even willing himself to watch it, he helplessly scrolls down and loads the messages left beneath the video, his eyes starting to sting at the number of concerned

monbebes praying and wishing for him to be okay. the last thing he ever wants is for their fans to be sad and have to worry about him. he feels hoseok's heavy hand on his back, moving up and down with ease, and when he glances at the older man, he sees that his eyes are already

slightly reddened, wetness sliding down his cheeks as he chokes out, "i wish you would talk to us minhyukkie. we're all worried about you and your health." to which minhyuk shoves the ipad back into his hyung's hands unnecessarily rough and charges to the bathroom because if he doesn't,

the very little of his lunch he was able to force down is going to permeate the carpet. he hears hyungwon's voice call out sharply, "just leave him be,"

but whoever it's directed at clearly doesn't listen because there's footsteps close behind him as he wrenches open the door to the men's bathroom down the hall and feels his legs starting to give out.

**"hyung wait, slow down!"**

jooheon calls out, barely able to grab onto him before he feels himself slinking to the ground. for a moment, the younger boy is just standing there and holding him in place as if contemplating whether or not to sit him down and exit back out of the washroom for help but

ultimately decides against it, figuring his chances of quickly aiding minhyuk are better than taking the risk of leaving him alone to run around trying to find a member of the medical staff. he gently places the older boy's arm around his shoulder and helps lower him to as

comfortable a seat as he can make it on the cold titled floor, making sure to slip his zipped up hooded jacket off of his own body to lay down beneath him despite the disoriented protests his hyung is frantically throwing toward him, his face flushed in embarrassment.

jooheon kneels down in front of him and studies his features for a few seconds that feel like hours to minhyuk, the rapper obviously trying to gauge how bad of a state he's in. he's proud to realize he hasn't yet emptied the contents of his stomach onto the floor but a light sheen of

sweat is present on his cheeks, and all it takes for them to realize what's wrong is the other half of the maknae line placing the back of his hand against his forehead to identify the likelihood that his body seems to be lacking in the solvent of life. without even thinking, jooheon

jumps up and grabs two sheets of paper towels from the dispenser, dampening them underneath one of the faucets aligning the sink before quickly wringing them and leaning back down to wrap one delicately behind his hyung's neck and the other across his forehead, tucking the

ends behind his ears to hold it in place. he then helps the older boy lean his head back against the wall hugging his back without a hitch and softly says "i need to get you some water, hyung. i'll be right back." but minhyuk's grabbing onto a fistful of his dark t-shirt, begging him not to

leave because he's scared and he just wants to pretend like they're sitting in the dorms together like they use to some nights before the shit hit the fan and they could smile to each other and laugh endlessly at the dumbest things. without even hesitating, jooheon complies

because it's the first time in days that he's seen a sliver of the honest and earnest boy who shamelessly showers him with love and affection on a regular basis and always gives him such attentive eyes when he has something to say and patiently waits for him on his bunk

after he showers in an eagerness to show him posts from monbebes singing him nothing but the highest of praise because he knows it always makes him smile wide enough for those dazzling dimples to punctuate his cheeks and he really just wants to plop down next to him without

saying a word if it makes minhyuk feel even half as happy as jooheon is whenever he acts as though his shoulder is the softest feathered pillow in the entire world that sends him into an instant slumber when his head merely touches it. he wraps a hand around his when he's

beside him and lets him sink into his touch until an agent bangs on the door and tells them they're on in five.

**"i checked his temperature and he's burning up again,"**

kihyun sighs, his tone laced with heavy traces of concern toward the idol currently wrapped burrito-style in his bunk. he shares a vague look with hyunwoo before moving to untangle the boy from the fabric hopelessly ensnaring him when he weakly protests in his disconcerted haze,

barely able to mumble "cold", which makes the rest of the room's occupants glance at each other in a momentary deafening silence littered with unexpressed thoughts of vivid scenarios seeming to end in a manner that makes hoseok tighten his clutch on changkyun's stiff arm in response

to the unsaid question of how in God's name they could've overlooked the fact that something was clearly wrong with their minhyuk beyond the reality that his knee was suffering from their exhausting schedule. the most excruciatingly long fifteen minutes of restless pacing

and nervous whispering occur between the boys until hyunwoo is carrying the blanketed ball of incoherent moans from the bedroom and outside to one of the company vehicles where manager-nim is waiting, urgency in their leader's step but the utmost delicacy present

when he shifts to lean down and sit him gently within the backseat after jooheon hurries ahead to wrench the door open and holds it without even giving a fuck about his vision being helplessly obstructed because his heart has sunken to the deepest pit of his stomach

at the sight of minhyuk's face, his black locks disheveled and partially matted to his forehead with sweat, rendered even more pale under the sun kissed morning sky as he hasn't the faintest clue that he's being rushed back to the very same building of which he sat with a swollen knee

and was forced to face the reality that every time he leaves, his world as an idol feels hopelessly dimmer.

  **"i won't stand here and watch you two fight over something so stupid,"**

hyunwoo angrily mutters, his eyes blatantly weary as he's planted firmly between hyungwon and kihyun. "i expect better from both of you than to let him come home and have to watch you two argue over whose fault it is he woke up in a hospital gown like a pair of idiots."

he's angled with one shoulder directed to the main vocalist's chest while the other faces the main visual, hoseok also posted close enough to the latter to have his hand wrapped around his elbow, ready to yank him back if he even dares to take another step closer toward

the other boy. the level of tension within the dance studio far exceeds any amount of emotional strain the six boys have ever had to face since inhabiting the dorms together. stronger than the unsettling energy in the old house during their survival competition dousing the

atmosphere after every morning they had to wake up to the empty beds of their friends after being eliminated the previous night. heavier than the night they'd walked through the door with one more rapper than when they'd left. deeper than the frustration in their hearts after

coming back from their first award show without any small piece of metal within any of their hands, tiny bits of confetti still sitting complacently in their hair in mockery of the fact it wasn't for them. whatever line had been drawn between the group and their comfort

levels regarding having honest conversations in every sense of the word had been crossed with the single expel of an incredulous breath from hyungwon's mouth when kihyun's eyebrows had knitted together in doubt at the information manager-nim had delivered to the boys through

the facetime app on their ipad during the last dance rehearsal for the day. needless to be said, the expression on the main vocalist's face after the words "minhyuk", "mild dehydration", and "symptoms of depression" had been uttered and manager-nim said they were to resume

with their regular schedule for the next day while their fragment of the sun was holed up within the medical facility for another night to undergo more testing and to make sure enough fluids were getting into his body was all hyungwon needed to hear and see when hyunwoo

had walked to place the piece of technology in his hands back within their heaped belongings in the corner of the room only to turn back around just in time to hear hyungwon snarl, "you clearly want to say something so just say it." his usually calm and observant eyes now sinking into

the pink-haired boy sitting across from him and harboring such anger in them that hyunwoo had never known he was capable of possessing. he recalls the only time he could ever say the boy looked as pissed off as he did at that very moment was when he'd pretended to have a fake

scrimmage with gunhee during one of their no.mercy tapings, prompting the leader to stiffen as his shoulders tense at the sight. kihyun is blatantly startled by the entire situation, narrowing his own eyes at the tall idol as though he isn't even quite sure whether or not hyungwon

is speaking to him, despite his gaze saying otherwise. "and what exactly is it you think i want to say, hyungwon?" he asks, a tinge of offense graces the genuineness in his question that's sparked by the legitimate confusion present upon his face. but instead of diffusing the tension

layering the air within their proximity, this only seems to make it worse. "i don't fucking know. it's just funny to me how you always have to throw your two cents in toward him," the taller boy responds, the acidity in his tone making jooheon shift uneasily and throw his hands

up into the form of an 'x' as he often does when signifying a time out, "hyungs please. let's not do this," he begs, looking between them in utter disappointment that this is even happening. "we're better than this."

"why're you acting like this, hyungwon-ah?" hoseok asks, staring at the boy as though his light brown locks are on fire. "kihyun didn't even do anything."

hyungwon scoffs, starting to feel defensive at hoseok's questioning of his behavior, "he does it all the time. he did it when minnie came home from getting his knee checked out and now he's pretending as though it's not his fault he's sitting in a hospital bed being treated for feeling

"too down on himself to bother filling his own body with nutrients because the arrogant bastard made him feel like crap." he's so upset, he doesn't even realize what's pouring out of his mouth until it's already in the air, piercing it like swift daggers and pulling them all into the crosshairs.

"you don't really believe that," changkyun claims, his voice so small it barely feels like a whisper. "don't even-"

"let him speak, changkyun," kihyun interrupts, reaching his boiling point with rapid succession as he pulls himself forward to look at hyungwon directly, "let him make a fool of himself like he does on stage when he forgets the choreo and stands there like a dumbass."

the sheet of silence falling upon the room at such hostility among them rips and tatters into a shower of chaos ridden with expressions of shock, dropped jaws and frantic voices trying to relieve the situation after hyungwon clambers to his feet and kihyun follows,

complete madness ensuing. and this is when their own leader must place himself in between the two boys, simultaneously outraged and in shock that they would even dare stand as if to strike each other. after scolding them for acting so outlandishly over something so ridiculous,

it's hyungwon who yanks his arm out of hoseok's grasp and growls, "i'll be in the car," before storming out of the studio, not even bothering to retrieve his items across the room and allowing the door to slam behind him, making them all wince at the impact. when kihyun

looks past hyunwoo, he notices hoseok's downcast eyes, reddened from the wetness within them as the older man mumbles, "i'll go see if he's okay," swiping a hand across his face of which the utmost tediousness and exhaustion is present. hyunwoo nods and within seconds,

hoseok is walking out the same door after collecting both his water canister and hyungwon's cap from their nestled pile in the corner of the room. and it's not long before the maknae line, jooheon with his arm loosely around changkyun's neck, follow behind the likes of him together after

being soaked under the lingering quiet between the only hyungs left. hyunwoo has seated himself to the floor, his knees up with his elbows resting on each one as he lays his head against the fold of his arms, still in disbelief that he had to physically place himself in between two

of his own members just to prevent them from putting their hands on each other. still taken aback by how enraged hyungwon was, utterly incapable of controlling the wild accusations flying out of his own mouth. he pulls the cap that's turned backwards off of his head

and lets it fall to the ground, aware that kihyun is still standing there somewhere behind him, a hand running through his pink-dyed locks in exasperation at the entirety of the events that've just occurred. he opens his mouth with the full intention of apologizing to hyunwoo

for the sudden conflict that's forced them to end their dance rehearsal earlier than planned, but as soon as he does, he realizes that words simply aren't sufficient enough to placate him and the damage that's already done.

not this time.


End file.
